24 & Dating Online
Dear VTY Women,
I’m writing to you on the tails of my daily dating app purge.
Each day, I burn through Hinge’s “most compatible” matches until it tells me I’ve seen all the people that meet my requirements. This is of course a lie, and the desirable matches are hidden behind the paywall of roses. Eventually they will find their way into my main feed, so say the algorithm experts on reddit.
It is deeply depressing to feel like you have to game a system to get a date. But at this point, what other option do I have? I am pretty much only friends with women, and those women are also pretty much only friends with women. How do people meet through “mutual friends?” Has that always been code for something else?
For some reason I have this sense of embarrassment when it comes to even wanting to date. My therapist told me I have to do exposure therapy to men, hence the daily dating app ritual. I think I need to get over it. At the end of the day, I’ve been alone for a long time and I’m bored of it.
I wish I lived in a Nancy Meyers film and a Jude Law lookalike would rush in and sweep me off my feet when I least expect it and with minimal effort on my part. So rude that life doesn’t work that way.
Be glad you all don’t have to be on the apps! It’s hell on earth!!
Very Truly Yours,
Julianne
Dear Julianne,
I have been thinking a lot about love, relationships and the processes & expectations that surround each. My current conclusion is that I think love is often surprising. This is a somewhat biased opinion, as it (love) was completely unexpected for me and in fact I was trying desperately to avoid it. I have been in many scenarios lately where I have to recount or reflect on the long, tumultuous journey that led to my current relationship, exchanging it for others’ personal stories of romance, rejection, and the like. Often, due to my current serenity, I am in a position where it appears that I have solved a problem that someone else is struggling with…i.e. Love and/or a romantic relationship (which I maintain are two separate things). My own personal experience feels quite useless due to its accidental nature though. I don’t have any tips or tricks (not that you asked for any), which I am quite indulgently grateful for. Therefore, my conclusion that love is often surprising is the closest thing to guidance that I can provide.
I suppose the advice that is implied in that conclusion is that you should be open to the surprise. Don’t think that your mind can’t be changed, that someone can’t sneak up on you, break into your head and break all the rules you set for yourself.
I do wish that you didn’t have to depend on dating apps for this. I know many people who met significant others on dating apps, so it’s not impossible, but there is a feeling of lightness in meeting someone in your own social circle or one adjacent to it, in getting to know them as a friend first, without the initial pressure of needing to decide whether or not they’d be a good romantic partner.
I also think there’s something to be said about turning your embarrassment into a sense of superiority. Treat this all like a game to entertain yourself with and then, perhaps, someone will surprise you.
Yours very truly,
Mackenzie
Dear Julianne,
I know that when people think about dating they typically think about how horrible it is, but I can’t help but think about how much fun it is to meet new people. You could find yourself dating the most influential man in the area, and going to new and exciting places. Or go on a date with a complete loser and either way it gets you closer to finding someone you might actually want to be with.
I think you should try to go on as many dates as possible so we can expand our local rolodex and rise to the top of the food chain. It could be so fun! We could even prank people and go on double hinge dates but really Reed and I are getting married. The options are really infinite here. Or catfish them by having your mom take your place. I don't know just spitballing here.
I can’t imagine a better place to meet your husband and fall in love! You should try to find someone local so you will know they will want to raise a family in Dallas. Just kidding, it doesn't really matter, and you shouldn’t put so much pressure on yourself to find someone.
I think you should just have fun with dating! And like I told you before, the mouth germs will tell if it’s meant to be or not. And I’m sure there’s at least a third of Dallas wanting to date a feisty, thin as a needle, red head. And Makenzie is right! Love has a way of finding you at the most unexpected moments.
Keep us updated on the next date! I want more details to fill my brain with new stories.
Very truly yours,
Grace McCraw
Dear Julianne,
I was just thinking about how I don’t know any straight, cis men anymore. Like I do... but do I really?? Where have they gone? I knew more men in college, but my circle has been shaven down since graduating. As you said, I too am mostly friends with non-men, and those people are also mostly friends with non-men, and the men that I am friends with are mostly gay. Or they are straight but are taken because they are such hot-ticket items apparently.
Of course, this pleases me, because I prefer the company of most other people to the company of men in general, and I enjoy enriching my life with close female and non-cis male relationships far more. However, a silly part of me still enjoys the attention I get from men. I was texting Sydney last night about how a man asked me out at the gym. Negative connotation off the top, but he was actually pretty respectful and not creepy, so all in all I was not put off. It was a major ego boost, and the high I was riding powered the rest of my workout session. The YMCA is a magical place. I might need to unpack why I still seek validation from them… buuuuuut not today.
Maybe if you tried loitering around an Equinox the men would flock to you. Something about a gym makes them reckless.
Also, food for thought… what is your age limit set to?? Just something to take into account. Perhaps you need a man in his early thirties who is more stable and not as annoying as men our age. They are mostly annoying right now, but there are some good ones out there who would be lucky to date you.
I love you, and think that it won’t be long before you find someone wonderful, and the great thing is that even if it takes longer (bummer), they will have had more time to marinate and mature into a better match for how wonderful and sensible and lovely you are!!
Very Truly Yours,
Avery
