A Girl is a Pendulum
Everyone,
I have felt extremely dramatic lately. My instinct is to scramble immediately for reprieve even though things always feel so much less intense about 5 days after an initial crisis hits. I suppose that epiphany is a necessary step towards maturity, but I crossed that threshold when I was a young girl and my struggle now is determining whether or not the decrease in intensity is natural or if it results from my scramble for reprieve…in which case my panic should be prescriptive. My urge is to write “does this make sense?,” but that’s unnecessary filler and I’ve found myself deciding lately that I don’t care if I don’t make sense to anyone but myself, as I think that making sense and sounding strange are two admired results on two different sides of the communication spectrum, and I have faith that I’ll at least end up on one of them. Perhaps both.
Well. So. My job has become quite dramatic. An academic department at a renowned university is like a labyrinth. Any turn you take, you’ll most likely be dead-ended with politicking, incompetence and chaos. Nobody really knows what they’re doing—not even the people you go to for clarity. My boss, the cornerstone that holds our department together, is leaving for a 30k raise and a job with considerably less to-do, meaning that her position is open for the taking.
I am not going to go for it. Despite a considerable raise (a considerable raise relative to the scant money I make now), I cannot knowingly throw myself to the wolves. I don’t want it and I’m not ready, though I don’t know which informs which.
The thought of having to manage an entire department has made me realize how unstable I am, which makes me quite sad. I pendulum swing between intensity, distress & the smoothing down of that intensity, and complete neutrality and serene acceptance—this movement between extremes is the vocation that I take with me everywhere, I toil away at it unseen at work, and it’s hard to imagine having to prioritize something so detached from myself as my job. Perhaps that’s what I need though? No, but that’s what I imagine people might suggest. I know what I need to feel stable, the problem is that I often refuse to do what I need in lieu of what I desire. I also allow myself to be fooled by the soothing thought that, because I appear stable and serene externally and keep myself from spilling onto those around me, that means that I am.
See? I am dramatic, sensitive and stubborn and I love myself with a vehemence that can be paralyzing. Not all opportunities that present themselves suddenly are gifts of divine intervention.
Sincerely and with apologies (if owed),
Mackenzie
PS — How are you? Intensely dramatic? Intensely serene? (If intensely dramatic is considered to be a bit redundant then intensely serene should be too) Both?
Dear Mackenzie,
Intensely dramatic. I’ve never been casual a day in my life. About anything.
I am prone to catastrophizing. Everything is going wrong everyone is wrong the whole world is mad at me I will never amount to anything beyond what I’ve already achieved and even then somehow I’ll revert to the worst version of myself. I wish I could mail you the journals I filled in college with thoughts of disaster and prescriptive panic (obsessed, asking my therapist to include this in my official notes). I won’t: I don’t want to pay for postage and I don’t think they’d actually help beyond reminding you that others think this way too.
I used to feel the pendulum swing a bit more. I always called it hills and valleys – the peaks never felt that high compared to the depths. I think I was obsessed with that intense oscillation. I was convinced I was the consummate tortured artist, that I was experiencing the full range of human emotions. I think a kernel of that is still true, but I’m glad to experience it less frequently. I’ve since become a zoloft zombie and while I am still intensely dramatic – the emotional toll isn’t as painful.
I fear I’m coming to the realization every environment is politicky and finicky and horribly frustrating to navigate. My job uses all of my emotional intelligence and maybe 10% of my actual intellect. I’ve got limited reserves!! I want to shake myself. Stop depleting them! How much of that is allowance on my part? How much of that do I get to chalk up to others? Any?
I’m glad we get to write to each other, it makes me feel less like I’m shouting into the void. Closer to catharsis.
If you like riding the wave, keep riding. Life is too long to fear a lack of stability. And we’re not even 25. Our frontal lobes are still cooking.
Very truly yours,
Julianne
Kenzie you are so wise! I’m obsessed with the line “Not all opportunities that present themselves suddenly are gifts of divine intervention.” Did you come up with that?! I’m sorry to hear that you feel sad at your perceived instability. Like Julianne says, we are not yet 25 and I think if we felt stable and fully formed at this stage in life we would sadly be missing out on many formative experiences that are still coming down the pipe. Still, it’s not comforting to feel like a soft set jello asked to hold firm across a warm grate. Maybe this is the ingrained hustle culture talking, but I think you should go for the promotion! More money would be great and I’m almost certain whoever held the job last was no more intelligent or capable than you. Think about it, if you were a man you would likely have no doubts in your ability to supersede your predecessor!
Forever glad to shout into the void with you all.
Very truly yours,
Sydney
Dear Kenzie,
While my mentally hills and valleys have personally quieted down a bit, my issue is that I loooovvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee being surrounded by personal dramas. Super hot take that’s no one ever had before, but I think as an artist I have this indelible contract written between myself and turmoil. I recently watched Baby Reindeer and there is a line that stuck with me where the main character’s ex calls him out for living for drama, as it gives him a modicum of interest in his otherwise bland life.
I don’t think I seek to cause drama though, I just crave to be surrounded by problems to overcome so I can prove my own resilience. It has less to do with my perception of the world and battling an ever-swinging mental pendulum; it’s more a battle between choosing what I know is good for me or what will excite me.
The caveat to this is that I girlbossed to close to the sun a few years back and found myself inundated with too much drama all at once- and as a result I have found myself unwittingly seeking comfort and stability as of late. Save for a few moments of general stupidity and recklessness, I have found that I usually try to pick the path of least resistance with the most predictable outcome in mind. It is by no means an active attempt to better myself and seek balance, but more a reaction to past dramatics that took their toll on my mental health and stamina.
While I feel SO boring, maybe this is for the best. Seeking out dramas in order to feel spontaneous or “well-rounded” is, I think, a luxury reserved for those who are primarily surrounded by comfort. What a privilege it is to feel we have a choice between stability and seeking out drama to fill a void that we might be self-inflicting. I don’t think I will ever fully be chill about anything- but I do think if I exercise some self-control I can master my impulses and stop trying to wreck my own good fortunes.
Problem is I still want to be surprised by things. Ah well.
Very Truly Yours,
Avery
Dear Everyone,
I think it goes without saying that I obviously exist on this pendulum. I would say I am quite the active participant, and recently swing back and forth every week. My attitude recently swings from being a helpless victim of circumstance unable to find my leg up in life and actively fighting to assert the start power that is within me. But I suppose that’s just life for all of us.
I suppose I also have a 3rd way swinging now on my pendulum where I begin to take a hard left at both of these thought patterns and begin to ask the question “why does it even matter.” I’m sure this is no help to anyone’s current state, and not encouraging whatsoever, but it’s my reality.
I think this feeling of the pendulum swinging also arises when you don’t quite feel settled in life. From our letters, I think that Kenzie and I are perhaps in most transitional phases? Or the most unsure of the next step? Maybe I’m just projecting? Maybe I just want someone to share in my misery?
Anyways Kenzie, I whole-heartedly think you should not take the job if you think it’s not meant for you! But I don’t think you should not take it because you’re scared. The worst that could happen is you don’t get the job, or you get it and decide you hate it and quit! Idk, I’m a big believer in failing and learning to fail. It’s really hard but rewarding in the end.
Kisses,
Grace McCraw
